To Thailand

You want ping pong show?". Unbelievable. It had just been an hour since we had arrived from the airport and already we were being touted for shows. The streets were buzzing with activity, the smell of spicy cooking food in street stalls, the stench of sewage, the street stalls selling the latest fake produce, people stopping you in the street offering you taxi's. hotels and the chance to meat the 'locals'. This sounded all too familiar.

The good, the bad, and the ugly

Ladyboys
Think of Thailand, you think of Ladyboys. Well not all the time I hope. Alan Partridge loved to talk about them, so I would have to investigate this phenomena. The search for our first ladyboy ended after just one hour and twenty minutes in Bangkok. Seventy of those minutes had been in a taxi. The overpriced journey stopped at
Khoa San Road, the backpacking mecca of Bangkok. The heat and stench of sewage was the first hit, the buzz of activity was the second. "You want taxi?" shouted one, "you need place to stay?" cried the other in half broken English. This street was laden with Market stools selling the latest fakes showing the biggest names. Mobile cooking stalls were offset from the road - cooking pieces of raw meat and noodles. This combined with the smell of toilets provided a unique atmosphere in the humid heat. Ambient music drifted through the streets, the stall owners were trying to out do each other with their selection of fake cd's. And then we were surrounded. With one look they were friendly ladies. With a second and closer look they were indeed men. Indeed our pre-Thailand drills had kicked in. The 'adams apple', the slightly larger nose, the larger cheek bone structure. "You want see ping pong show" one said as the she he grabbed my arm. "Mâi ao khàp khun" I replied. I think finding accommodation was the priority.
Thailand for some unknown reason has a particularly high number of ladyboys, or Katoey to the locals. Strangely for a Buddhist country katoey's are in the main widely accepted in society, although secret prejudice prevails underneath. Most start their conversion young, taking female hormones in puberty. Only a few have the full sex change later. For a Thai growing up there is much greater allowance form parents in terms of gender. If you want to be a girl then be a girl - it seems school results are far more important. Parents sometimes actively encourage their sons to change gender. For the most part the children become the main bread winners in the family and with Westerners money it's far easier to earn being a woman
Illegal goods and street selling
I dug the pencil into her chest and twisted it. Maybe I would murder her children next. Of course not. But that was the look as I typed in one hundred baht on her calculator. It was her fault, she said "Put how much you want to pay". So I typed in a hundred baht. She wanted a thousand. As I walked away the voice came "Ok, ok you come back, One hundred and fifty baht". Again she gave me the look of mass murderer, which quickly converted to a broad smile once she had the money. Shopping in Thailand is actually interesting. It's not not like Saturday shopping where you trudge around for the afternoon thinking you have bought bargains only to then realise that they were half price because nobody else wanted them. Everything that is sold in Thailand is fake. From the unbranded CD player with a wonky Sony sign to the the copied CD's and DVD's for 100 baht. You can even buy Hugo Boos aftershave (if only they could spell it would have been convincing). This is a country expert in the art of producing fake goods
We walked into the Plantif Plaza, a shopping centre that had been recommended to us in Bangkok. As I walked past the first stall I was grabbed "You want sexy movie ah?" followed by "cheap software, in here, look!". Before me there was a row of seven other man further along grabbing peoples arms. This shopping centre had been raided three months ago following pressure from the U.S government. The raids normally happen every three months, more of a token gesture form the Thai government than an effective one. As a result the sellers have created 'secret rooms' behind mirrors and hidden doors. Once inside you appreciate the full extent of this trade. Thousands upon thousands of CD sleeves contain music from every artist you can think of. Another wall is filled with illegal pornography and hacked computer software. The CD's, DVD's and software cost about one pound thirty each. Once you have made your selection you asked to come back in ten minutes. For in this secret room there are no discs. A runner will go to the next secret building and create your shopping list.
Taking each day as it comes
Bang. There is a large crash outside. There is no fuss. No onlookers. Two motorbike riders have just collided. They get up from the road, inspect their damage and hobble off. Thailand is one of those places where you lay down at night and think- 'it's great to be alive'. Well it's more of a case of pinching yourself that you are still alive than some spiritual thought. Quite simply the chances of being killed in Thailand are bigger than Rik Waller. Eighty British people die in Thailand each year. Thirty of those are killed on the road. Two people die every hour on Thailand's roads, a figure which is increasing by a third every year. The Thai's drive on the left, on the right and in the middle of the road. They even make roads themselves to drive on. During the holiday season thirty percent of all drivers are drunk, sixty percent are drunk motorcycle drivers. Not surprisingly this increases the death rate to ten an hour.
The first of our newly purchased tours. Welcome to the world of minibus driving. Our van was full - the broken air conditioning was better than nothing - the windows were locked by a piece of string. It was our first time on the roads in Thailand and this provided some useful comparisons to back home. The U.K government wisely introduced law to discourage the use of mobile phones whilst driving with thirty pound fines. In Thailand the motorcyclists talk on their phone whilst a baby sits on one knee and a small child on the other. To balance the cycle they put their uncle and brother on the back seat as the thirteen bags of shopping balance on the front. If there was a law it probably states 'driving with your knees should be discouraged'. In the UK tail gating is a traffic offence. In Thailand it is seen as a waste of road space if you do not drive two centimeters behind the car in front. In fact it is considered friendly to drive so far up the car in fronts arse that you can you can check your watch with their dashboard clock. In the U.K you should stay to the left hand side of the road unless overtaking. Left hand side? What a waste. Over here they use any bit of concrete, gravel, grass or peoples front lawn to get past. Only overtake when it is a clear, safe and straight piece of road in front. Boring! Why not overtake up a hill, with a packed whining minibus round a blind corner with a truck approaching. Surely it's up to the truck to make way? Thankfully the truck used the bit of grass to his left this time.
A relief to be off the road. Surely the water transport is a lot safer. Well getting to the 'boat' is the first part. The jetty or bridges that you cross also double as a game of Russian Roulette. Depending on how well they have made the game every third or forth piece of wood is missing with a twenty foot drop underneath. To make it a bit more interesting they make the planks at an angle and and put a few rusty nails through the wood for you. Once you have passed the boardwalk game you play the game 'How many tourists can we put in a boat without it sinking'. The boat seemed to have been in the family for the last three generations - it looked familiar to the ones I had seen in the history books. "You man, you get to left to balance out" asked one of the 'crew'. He was right. The boat was leaning over so far that water was creeping in on one side. The hoards of Japanese women shrieked with terror. The ageing large man moved to the other side and the boat regained a semi-stable position. Relief. We had made it to the speedboat. The sign said '15 people max'. So they put on 32. "I'm not having this" one American woman cried. "The travel agent said there would be a maximum of fifteen people". Tourism is huge in Thailand, but maybe not tact. "It is not my problem lady, you either stay on or get off, it's your choice" replied the 'captain'. Using the men as weights they were shifted across the boat - splitting a large Arabic family in the process. So for the next seven hours we listened to this very loud dialect across the boat whilst sitting on strangers laps and hearing cries every time the boat leaned to one side. The man next to me was an extra in 'Gorillas in the mist' and the young girl on the other side of me thought it would far more interesting to spray me with her water bottle than drink from it. When we reached the islands, plastic canoes were used to ferry us across to the islands. We we dropped off at islands with no shade in the thirty four degree heat. Thankfully, and very kindly, they provided shade. At 200 baht. The stools were busy. "You come here, you don't have to buy, only look" came the voice of a hooded woman as she rushed to meet the boats. As you were turning away after realising that she was trying to sell you shell from the beach for 1000 baht she would grab you and say "You buy now, you must buy". Impressive selling techniques. We were allowed forty minutes on the beach then we would be whistled in Von Trap style. Each boat had a pattern of whistles to indicate time was up. We had seen the beach that was used in the filming of the 'Beach'. I looked long and hard but did not remember three hundred tourists, twenty canoes and fifteen markets stools in the film. It's amazing what they can do with film technology these days. I even saw the rock and beach they used for the film 'The Man with the Golden Gun' but sat there and wondered just how a plane could land in the water with so many boats littered around.
Thai Women and Western men
"Come back, come back pretty boy". You can not walk for more than twenty metres without a group of Thai girls screaming at you to visit their bar. If you stop to speak to the girls you find out why. The Western man, in particular those from England, provide an instant reaction. And it's not difficult to understand why. Lua is only twenty one but is the main bread winner in the family. For sa much as I used to earn in an hour, it takes her two days to equal the sum, working twelve hours a day in the process. Her family actively encourages her on a daily basis to meet as many Western men as possible in the hope that she will marry and in turn provide financial security for all of them. It is not just the financial aspect. "Thai men no good, lazy, no ambition, no hope" she murmurs as she looks into the distance. The one thing that hits you when you first come off the plane is the number of young Thai girls with Western men. The Thai women provide the Western men attention that they have never received in their homeland. I had heard of Thai brides before I came here - wrapped in a cover of Taboo. But that is only the start. You can pay for the company of a Thai girl for a day, a week or even a month. You can take them out for 200 baht (just over two pounds) or spend the night with them for a 1000 baht (around thirteen baht)There are no taboo's out here. It's the opposite of the Western world. As a man you get more attention and wolf whistles from a woman than a female does from a local male. It many ways you can start to understand how women feel when they walk past building sites.
It's Cheap
It sure is. I am drinking from my ten pence bottle of water, listening to my fake one pound cd on my fake twenty pound cd player. The five star beach accommodation costs under ten pounds, you can stroll across the road for a five course meal for three pounds and then finish it off with a fifty pence bottle of chang beer. But is it all good? The low prices set you up for being targets of rip off merchants knowing full well they can get away with it. A six hundred baht taxi from the airport in reality costs two hundred baht but you justify with yourself that it is still cheap. You stay at luxury hotels, not hostels. For sure you can stay at a cheaper hotel - but the water is brown, the toilet never flushes and the cockroaches are changed daily. You can have a meal for as little as twenty pence on the street markets, but the flies always convince you otherwise. The clothes are cheap - one pound with buy you a fake but decent quality t-shirt. But with most things cheap - you always buy ten times the amount you actually need and spend just as much as you would have normally done.
The clever tourist trade
"Ah you see we now pray for the Buddhist monk, follow me and pray three times" the man in the temple said. There were thirteen candles burning away at the front and a golden Buddha sitting in front of us. It was a time of reflection. A time for thought. "Oh, by the way did you know CJ Parker has a massive sale on at the moment, only for tourists you know. You can buy a tailored suit from eight thousand baht". Great, a tourist temple. This had just completed the chain of the very impressive tourist technique used by the locals in Thailand. The whole process is carefully planned and very well executed. It works like this. You step out of your hotel and walk twenty yards. "Hello, where you from?". A local man had stopped us in the street. "How long have you been in Thailand?" would be the next line. For the next five minutes the conversation would suggest he is trying to help you. "Did you know there is a temple that the tourists can go in? Today is the only time of the year?". What a helpful man. After walking fifty metres by coincidence we would reach a tuk tuk. A tuk tuk is a motorized scooter that can seat three passengers (but normally carries more) - a cheap mans taxi. A taxi in which performs so many illegal road manoveurs that it makes you thankful that you are still alive when it stops. "This man can take you to the temple" he added. "Only 20 baht - special offer only today". Of course we felt so grateful that we could go to a free temple and only for a thirty pence ride. The tuk tuk driver was so helpful - he even waited for us whilst we were in the temple. After ten minutes in the religious tourist house we were off to C.J Parkers for our suit fitting - thanks to the helpful temple man and his advice. After purchasing our 13,000 baht suits the tuk tuk driver provided another piece of helpful advice. "For today only you can go to the tourist office for free". And so we left the tourist office after spending 8,000 baht on our two week trip. So the chain had been completed. For every suit C.J Parker sells the man in the temple earns 2000 baht commission with another 2000 baht going to the tuk tuk driver. Our first day in Thailand and our first lesson learned. Thai people are so friendly. For a reason.