Web research day

WISE CHINESE PROVERBS:

1) Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone
2) Man who run in front of car get tired.
3) Man who run behind car get exhausted.
4) Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
5) Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
6) Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok..
7) War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
8) Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
9) It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
10) Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
11) Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
12) Man who fart in church sit in own pew.



Tommy Cooper - Some of his finest.....

1) Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
2) A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
3) I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
4) I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
5) My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
6) A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
7) I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
8)Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
9) Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
10) Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
11) "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."
12) A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
13) Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
14) Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
15) What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
16) So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
17) Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
18) "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
19) A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"






WISE CHINESE PROVERBS:

1) Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone
2) Man who run in front of car get tired.
3) Man who run behind car get exhausted.
4) Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
5) Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
6) Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok..
7) War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
8) Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
9) It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
10) Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
11) Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
12) Man who fart in church sit in own pew.



Tommy Cooper - Some of his finest.....

1) Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
2) A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
3) I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
4) I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
5) My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
6) A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
7) I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
8) Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
9) Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
10) Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
11) "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."
12) A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
13) Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
14) Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
15) What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
16) So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
17) Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
18) "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
19) A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"



Double Entendres Intentional - or just a slip of the tongue?

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Derek Redmond: "Well Derek, tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said, "look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"







Thoughts of the day



1) What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

2) What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

3) How can there be self-help "groups"?

4) Is there another word for synonym?

5) Do people who work in cake shops buy cakes ob their birthday?

6) Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

7) Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

8) Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

9) Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

10) Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you’ll be right.

11) Why is there only one Monopolies commission?

12) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?







WORDS WOMEN USE
It may help, but you willl never truely understand them!


'FINE'
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.


'FIVE MINUTES'
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.


'NOTHING'
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"


'GO AHEAD' ( With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"


'GO AHEAD' (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.


LOUD 'SIGH'
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"


SOFT 'SIGH'
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.


THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."


'GO AHEAD!'
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.


'PLEASE DO!'
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"


'THANKS!'
A woman is thanking you. Do not! faint. Just say you're welcome.


'THANKS A LOT!'
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"







Mate Match

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJ calls someone at work and asks if they are married or seriously involved with someone.

If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly they both win the prize.

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sarah."

DJ: "Is Sarah at work Brian?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Ok, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

DJ: "Question 2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said
that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. 3rd & final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks....and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."



3 minutes of commercials follow.



DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touch tones .....ringing...)

Clerk:: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk:: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now, and I've been talking with Brian."

DJ: "He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!" Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?" Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12,15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah ..... where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the @rse....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"