The search for V-Z

Without thinking I have become reliant on the internet to assist me in my daily life. I do my banking online, shifting money through my accounts to make things look better than they actually are. Of course it also saves me standing behind Iris the granny in my local bank talking about her new comfortable shoes to the lady behind the window. I buy my lottery tickets online, it evens sends me an email if I win. But more significantly, it means I don’t have to trawl around and find a shop in which the lottery machine actually works. And the frustration of Uncle Albert being told his ticket isn’t valid as he has not ticked the 42 box properly.

When the flowers need to be sent I don’t have to embarrass myself in the florist pretending to know the difference between scented Chrysanthemum (wrapped) and yellow loosely tied Freesia. When I hear a song that takes my fancy I just download it, right there and then. In the past my shelf has been full of unused CD’s. I was to learn at great cost that just because somebody makes one good song, it does not mean the other thirteen songs on their album will be any good. In fact I can guarantee with experience they probably won’t be.

But today I was willing to turn my back on the internet for once. I wanted to see a film and I wanted to see it now. My good friend the Internet could get me that film in two days but that was, well in two days. And it all seemed so easy, where was the challenge? Whilst watching the director’s commentary on a film last night all three of the commentators mentioned a film. It went something like this. “Ah yes, we wanted Laura Linney, she was so good in ‘You can count on me’. Have you seen it Hugh?” They all went to concur just how good they thought this film was. It was just like when you are with your friends and they start talking about films you had not seen. I started to feel I was missing out. Why hadn’t I seen it? The film could be the worst ever made but at that moment in time I thought it was best. I wanted to know what I had been missing out on.

Of course. The video shop must have it. Now where do I start. Blockbuster don’t organise their DVD’s by name, more like ‘Top Ten’ or ‘Latest releases’. It was made in 2000 so hardly going to fit into those two. Now why don’t I just ask? Well I’m still put off asking after my last experience at the counter. When I asked if they had ‘Freddy Got Fingered’ the queue of ten behind me looked at me like some dirty porn addict, they obviously didn’t know I was looking for the comedy by Tom Green. And there was another reason that was demonstated again on this occasion. “Have you got ‘You can count on me’ in stock” I asked. Without typing anything into his computer the little spotty boy behind the desk said “No” without an ounce of doubt. Admittedly he did look like the type to memorise thousands of film titles in his spare time but I doubted even if he could recall the whole stock of the shop.

It hadn’t started well. And it wasn’t getting any better. I went to all different types of video shop, the small ones, the big ones, the ones stocking old VHS tapes, the ones selling Christmas cards, the dodgy ones, the new ones. Every single one of them gave me a look as if I had just asked for a Big Mac in Burger King, complete blankness. Amazon.com had the film waiting for me on their screen, why was this such hard work?

If I can’t rent it, I’ll buy it. I don’t really want to buy it, I don’t even know what this bloody film is like but now I was determined to get it. If someone says I can buy a Big Mac in Burger King then there must be a reason why they said that. Having discounted the five video shops, it was time for HMV. They said they had it on their website so surely this was going to be easy. In the packed Christmas induced shop I squeezed my way through to the V-Z DVD section. Just as I was thinking that nobody would want a film starting with V, W, X, Y or Z I was confronted with a gaggle of people flicking through films starting with X. It was just my luck that at the same time as I was looking for a film beginning with ‘Y’, I had to be standing behind some twenty something trekkies who it seems had a strong liking for the X-Files.

In most cases this wouldn’t be a problem. Each to their own. However what I did take exception to was them discussing every episode in moribund detail from start to finish. By the time they had finished I knew more about the plot of the second series of the X-Files than the cast themselves. Relief. They moved sideways to the ‘S’ section, just enough room for me to take over the V-Z section. Here Goes ‘You only live Twice’, no, ‘You can’t take it with you’ no, but getting closer. That’s it. Only two films under the ‘Y’ section. My forced lecture of the X-Files had been in vain.

After two hours, eleven shops, five quizzical expressions, one conversation about the X-Files and a new found knowledge of films beginning with the letter ‘Y’ I had given up. In fact I was secretly quite relived that I had not found the film. Just like spending lots of time and money preparing and getting excited about New Years Eve, it would have probably been shit anyway. Hang on, £5.99 on play.com, bargain, I'll soon find out.