Flashback to hostels

It’s 1.08am. I haven’t been out, I’m saving that for tomorrow. But I cant sleep. I’m watching celebrity Big Brother live on the t.v. Well, more like Celebrity C-list Big Brother. Now, despite the fact that I am a reality t.v watcher, something else is grabbing me this time. Amazingly it’s not seeing Bridget Neilsons face after being shocked with the new ‘havent spoken to for twenty years since splitting up with her son Sylvester Stalllone’ housemate Jackie Stallone. No that can wait. It’s the concept of sharing a room with six complete strangers. Flashback time. I couldn’t imagine the concept when I was going travelling, nor can I imagine the concept now. But somehow, when I was there, it all seemed so normal.

‘You have 1 new email’ hotmail is telling me know. And there is confirmation of the bizarre world I once lived in. It’s from a person who I met for a day, we shared the same dorm, they have just returned from Australia. And then I looked at the television again, and then a multitude of flashbacks enter my head again. Here we go…….

1) The weirdo room Room 406 (that’s how vivid it was) Wake Up Hostel, Sydney

Waking up in the middle of the night with someone tugging at my bed sheets. Then realising that someone had their hand on my shoulder. Hearing some strange grunting noises. Knocking this person to the floor after they sniffed my back. Realising that this bloke had serious problems. Realising that this bloke was in this dorm for the long term. Reception being unable to change my room till the next day. Spending another night with this weirdo. Seeing this freak in the lifts the next week.

2) The smelly room, Room 16, YHA, Cairns

Going into our room after spending the day out. Nice, a new room mate. Wait, what’s that smell? A mixture of nappies, sick, farms, you name it. Leaving the door open, attracting the attention of security. The conversation went like this “Why is the door open?”. “It stinks in there”. “Let me have a look”. “which great gala made that smell?” We point to the new roommate like naughty school children to an angry teacher. We get moved, the room was closed for two days for ‘industrial cleaning”.

3) The two fuckwits from London room, Room 406, Wake Up, Sydney

Two tossers from London enter the room. I hate them already. Say hello they grunt back. Come in at 4am, turn the lights on, shouting. Still provides me with a giggle, I revel in their stupidness. They have spent their entire three week holiday spending money in a strip club. The reason? A stripper got them to buy her bottles of champagnes after she promised to call them. When they get back they realised they haven’t got a phone number. Priceless. They were in that room for two days too long.

4) The Swedish love nest, Room 1, Great Aussie Backpackers, Kings Cross

I shared this room with seven ants and a growing number of Swedish people. The highlight was the couple that stayed in bed for four days, and kissed constantly, for four days. I never have seen so much constant kissing in my life, nor will I ever see again. When I walked in on multiple Swedish massages the next day, I left.


5) The funniest room, Room 212, Beech hotel, Surfers Paradise.

Two girls who managed to survive on nothing, making ends meet by flirting, getting sacked from jobs on a weekly basis, but overall, just genuine and funny. Add later a ex army NZ tattooist, a lying but cheeky English guy, and one week of pure laughs. Unforgettable. The highlight? Two American girls move in. One sleep walks. She is on the bunk above me. 3am Thud. She falls from the bed, breaks the table, goes to the toilet, we all burst out laughing. She does not remember a thing. Not a scratch.

6) Scariest room, Room 4, Nadi Bay Hotel, Fiji

On my own. My first ever hostel. Probably the most uncomfortable day in my life. Looking back it makes me cringe. I didn’t have a clue.

7) Best Day, Room 408, Wake Up, Sydney

The relief. Moved from scary man. Wow someone is actually being friendly for once. They even want to read my book, must be just whacked with the time zones. Go for a stroll, see the sights. Know Sydney like the back of my hand now, but today is different, same sights, same routine, but just a bit different. And for once I’m so completely engrossed in everything I don’t even stop to think why. Wow, someone who knows an awful lot about an awful lot of things. Someone who understands my humour. One of those days that I never looked at my watch.

And there are so many more to mention. Every dorm was a different day, different smells , different people, different noises, different thoughts, different books, different bunks, different bed times, random door closing, random light switching, random conversations, different everything, randomly.. just random.

And how about those people who find it tough when they get back home after staying in hostels, well here are some guidelines I’ve drawn up…..


1) Replace your bed with two or more bunk beds, and every night invite random people to sleep in your bedroom with you. Ensure at least once a week a couple gets drunk and shags on one of the top bunks. Remove beds one by one as symptoms improve.

2) Sleep in your sleeping bag, forgetting to wash it for months. Add some bugs in order to wake up with many unsightly bites over your arms and legs.

3) Enlist the help of a family member to set your radio alarm to go off randomly during the night, filling your room with loud talking. This works best if the station is foreign. Also have several mobiles ringing, without being answered. To add to the torture, ask a friend to bring plastic bags into your room at roughly 6 in the morning and proceed to rustle them for no apparent reason for a good half an hour.

4) Keep all your clothes in a rucksack. Remember to smell them before putting them on and reintroduce the use of the iron SLOWLY.
5) Buy your favourite food, and despite living at home, write your name and when you might next be leaving the house on all bags. This should include mainly pasta, 2 minute noodles, carrots and beer.

6) Ask a family member to every now and again steal an item of food, preferably the one you have most been looking forward to or the most expensive. Keep at least one item of food far too long or in a bag out in the sun, so you have to spend about 24 hours within sprinting distance of the toilet.

7) Even if it's a Sunday, vacate the house by 10a.m., and then stand on the corner of the street looking lost. Ask the first passer-by of similar ethnic background if they have found anywhere good to go yet.

8) When sitting on public transport ( the London Tube would be ideal) introduce yourself to the person sitting next to you, say which stop you got on at, where you are going, how long you have been travelling and what university you went to. If they say they are going to Morden, say you met a guy on the central line who said it was terrible and that you've heard Parsons Green is better and cheaper.

9) Finally stick paper in your shower so that the water comes out in just a drizzle. Adjust the hot/cold taps at regular intervals so that you are never fully satisfied with the temperature. Because of this frustration, shower infrequently.

1.58am. All the Celebrity Big Brother housemates are asleep. Maybe I should join them. Well, not literally. If only I could russle a plastic bag in their room first though and switch on the light looking for a toothbrush. That would make me feel better.


With Isa and two random girls from Israel, still shocked after hearing them talk about compulsory military service


The Arts Factory, Byron Bay one strange, but fond, memory


Looking across the balcony feeling ontop of the world



The hundred bed dorm on Beachcomber Island, crazy and amazing. three of my 99 neighbours with my now good pals Fred and James