Lessons learned from first full week at work

1) LEARN TO READ SIGNS

Ok, it was meant to be 'dress down' day on the Friday, well that's what they told me. Just to be safe I wore a shirt over my jumper. Good move. When I arrived, I peeked through the door and realised everyone was smart. I went into the nearest toilet and started getting changed in the cubicle. Well, that's fine, apart from hearing women’s voices at the sink. Yep, I had walked into the ladies loos after being disorientated and in a rush. I had a choice, wait for the women to go and be late, or get very strange looks and fuel office rumours. I took the late option

2) DON'T STRETCH YOUR LEGS AT YOUR DESK

Why? Surely it's good for the circulation. What isn’t that good is pulling the plug out of the socket, causing the person who sits opposit to lose all the work that they were doing. A quick "You just can't trust computer's" from me and no-one suspected a thing. Also, unintentionally playing 'footsie' with the woman opposite is not really recommended, after thirty five minutes in your new job

3) DON'T PLAY OFFICE PRANKS TOO SOON

Ok, I'm a bit of a prankster. I give as good as I get. Admittedly I was done like a kipper two years back whilst shopping in a supermarket at lunchtime. The guy who sat next to me managed to put a leopard skin thong in my shopping basket, which then made it onto the conveyor belt without me knowing. The long queue behind me gave me some funny looks. It was outrageous, I mean why would I buy a large leopard skin thong? Of course I wouldn’t. Everyone knows I'm a medium and I prefer them in blue. Anyway, I digress (the scars are still fresh even now), I played my first mind game this week. Someone's birthday, I have to sign the card. "To Liz, looking forward to seeing you soon, from Trevor". The point of this is to sign every card from 'Trevor', everyone is the office does not have a clue who he is or where he sits, but after a year people think he actually exists. This trick caused a ten minute office discussion on 'who the hell is Trevor' this week.

4) KEEP TO THE LEFT IN THE CORIDOORS

In a follow up on my previous post 'how do you know which way to move when approaching someone in the street' I have realised this is ten times worse in a narrow office corridor. There seems to be no 'left' or 'right' protocol and I've already bumped into three people, causing three spilled coffees, one embarrassed smile (it was worth it, she was cute) and one brushing of arms.

5) IF SOMEONE GETS YOUR NAME WRONG, CORRECT THEM EARLY

So, I am on a course. The trainer for the first 4 hours calls me 'Rich'. Then, for no reason, starts calling me 'Chris'. Instead of correcting her straight away, I let it go, thinking it was a one off. Now, she calls me Chris, but I haven’t got the heart to tell her as she will be embarrassed. So, the only option now is for me to change my name by depole. A small price to pay to save her blushes

6) GET THE RIGHT ID CARD OUT

Flashing the security guard your library card by mistake will not get you into the building, it just makes you look stupid.

7) DON'T GO TO THE OFICE PARTY, YET

My office is full of gossip mongerers. I've seen photos, whispers, rumours galore this week after the big office bash last week

8) MAKE SURE YOUR IPOD IS TURNED OFF PROPERLY

Well, I thought it was off.

9) JUDGE PEOPLE, THEN BE SARCASTIC

"Oh, so, what did you do before here then" was ice breaking question. "Well", I said, "After getting released I had to do some community work, once the judge was satisfied I was in a fit state of mind to be returned to the community, I started applying for jobs with false details, so I haven’t worked for a while". Yes, people are gullible, you just have to work out the ones before you scare them