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September 20, 2005

Observations at work

1) People who have pictures of their loved ones on their desk

Well, not all pictures. I mean, a framed picture of your wife isn’t too bad. It’s just when you have a framed picture of your wife in a bikini that makes me wonder. Well, not that much, she wasn’t all that. I mean I wonder if his wife knows that a framed picture of her in a bikini is sitting on a desk on the way to the coffee machine

2) People who have pictures of their dogs on their desk

It’s true. Some people in the office have a picture of their dog smiling at them whilst they prepare for that meeting. If they have got one of their dog on their desk, I hate to think of the ones in their wallet

3) Cleaners who don’t clean

I’ve noticed a more worrying trend recently. Someone has been stealing cola bottles from my bag of sweets in my drawer. I would'nt mind. It’s just the cleaners afterall. However instead of cleaning my keyboard, they are actually leaving trails of sugar in it instead. I would'nt mind. It's just I'm starting to type 'OP's with my 'P's. I would'nt mind. It's just I'm sending "I'll poop over to you in a minute" when I instant message people. Then, to the disgust of person opposite, they replaced their blue bottle top on her water bottle with a red one. Not only do we have cola bottle sugar handed thieves, but people intend of playing mind games with us all.

4) Email Calendar alarms

Not a bad concept for Lotus Notes. Up pop’s an alarm to tell you that the meeting you don’t wan't to go to is due to start. Well, it would be good. It’s just everyone’s in the office seems to remind you thirty minutes after the meeting. Genius. What a company.

5) Mobile phones

People always say “That was meant to be on silent” when their mobile phone goes off on with a loud setting 4, vibrate all over the desk with a shitty monotone version of Tupac.

6) Corporate buzz words

This is my current top list that I have observed in the last week

1) It's not rocket science
2) Lets touch base on Monday
3) Let's not blame but try and learn from this for next time
4) Lets not be busy fools
5) It's a win win situation
6) It's a no brainer
7) I think we should take this offline
8) At the end of the day
9) Lets be pro-active, not reactive

………..and my conclusion? It’s all to get around not doing any work or taking any responsibility.

Translated…………….

1 - It's not rocket science

“It should be simple to do but obviously nobody has been arsed to do it before. I’ll just say it so I don’t feel so bad giving it to you as an action after this meeting”

2 - Lets touch base on Monday

“Actually, lets not. I’m going to be vague on purpose. By not saying I’m going to call you or email you, hopefully you will forget. After all, it’s the weekend between now and then.

3 - Let's not blame but try and learn from this for next time

“We all know whose fault it is. Let’s just not embarrass them in this meeting”

4 - Lets not be busy fools

“Everyone in this department is a lazy bastard”

5 - It's a win win situation

“It’s easier for me if we do it this way”

6 - It's a no brainer

“You stupid fuck. Why are we even having a meeting about this”

7 - I think we should take this offline

“I think you are talking shit”

8 - At the end of the day

“This conversation is going nowhere. I wish it was the end of the day”

9 - Lets be pro-active not reactive

“In theory we want to not have meetings about the things that go wrong, but in reality we all know that next month we will have exactly the same meeting about the things that went wrong this month that we forgot to act upon in advance”


The last thing I noticed was...........

7) I should really do some work and stop being such a nosey bastard

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