Conversations with babies

I’ve just had a Webcam conversation……. With a baby

Ok, it had to happen. I could'nt avoid webacams any longer. For someone who likes to embrace new technology, it would seem a little odd for me not to have done so already. But there just isn’t something quite right with this idea. It’s probably why video phones haven’t taken off.

So here it goes, the transcript of my conversation with a new born baby, with my brother translating. Not only does this prove that technology is great, if it works, it also goes to prove that me and babies don’t really combine at the moment.




Andy C alright rich

Andy C is inviting you to start sending webcam. Do you want
to Accept (Alt+C) or Decline (Alt+D) the invitation?

coops Hello

Andy C just wanna test my webcam

coops ok, i hav'ent got one tho
You have accepted the invitation to start sending webcam.

Andy C can you see mine?

coops No

Andy C is inviting you to start viewing webcam. Do to Accept (Alt+C) or Decline (Alt+D) the invitation?
You have accepted the invitation to start viewing webcam.
coops Yep

Andy C Kool

Andy C can you get audio if i plug in a mic

coops can i use a digital camera or does it have to be a webacm?

coops Yep

Andy C not sure

Andy C Can u hear me now?

coops Na

coops stop moving it

Andy C ill go an the baby

Andy C Wait….

coops i cant lip read!

Andy C better?

coops in what respect?#

Andy C Sound

coops Nope

Andy C u get video?

coops Yeah
Andy C ..
Andy C is inviting you to start viewing webcam. Do you want
to Accept (Alt+C) or Decline (Alt+D) the invitation?
You have accepted the invitation to start viewing webcam.

Andy C Bit hungry

coops thank god the sound doesn’t work, otherwise I would hear the
crying

coops can it wave? Can it wink?

Andy C Sick

coops Sick, Nice, wondered what that was. Got to stop saing ‘it’
as well, I mean ‘he’

coops He looks like he really likes you doing that

Andy C better feed him

coops So do you argue over who holds him?

coops I think it's a bit like pass the parcel, only if when the
music stops and he shits over you then you are unlucky

coops hello maz

coops white tops and babies don’t mix

Andy C Baby sick is white.......

coops surely thats not normal

coops Ah

coops can he type yet? And if not, why?

coops how do you know when it stops wanting milk?

coops does it do that white sick thing you were talking about?

Andy C certain amount based on size

Andy C Have you seen our cat?

coops looks like you are enjoying yorself anyway, lets face it,
being a baby is not that bad, sleep, milk, sleep and some
more milk, you get your sick cleaned up for you as well. No
I hav'ent, Oh yes that bitch scratched me in Upminster
coops lets just say it was a bit reclusive

coops it looks ok now though, I guess it just hated me

Andy C MORE SICK

coops Don't you get sick of that? Throws up all sort of questions.

Andy C hates me 2

Andy C better go. getting told off

coops I did'nt think it could talk yet

coops ahh you mean maz

Andy C Wifeee

Andy C He's not feeding Finley properly and he keeps crying - not
my fault!

coops I'll leave you to discuss the feeding techniques, if you
ever want any advise let me know

coops When I was off I watched a lot of This Morning you know, I
know all about babies

coops bye

The truth is, if grown up people don’t know when I’m being serious, a kid is hardly going to get on with me. I can just picture it now:-

Me : “Ok, I’m going to read you a nursery rhyme, here goes……

Kid : What is it?

Me: “Look, questions later”

Me : “Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall;
All the King's horses, and all the King's men
Cannot put Humpty Dumpty together again”

Me: “Why are you looking at me like that? It’s a nursery rhyme, aren’t kids like to meant to like that sort of thing?

Kid “Why was Humpty Dumpty sitting on a wall?”

Me: “I don’t know why. And before you ask, I don’t know how he got up that wall”

Kid: “So were the Kings horses and Kings men nurses and doctors?”

Me : “Err yes, that’s right, they were there because Humpty hurt himself”

Kid: “So, if I fall off a wall, will they come and help me?”

Me: “Right, enough of these lies. Humpty Dumpty does not exist, he never has. Anyway, how could a fictional egg get up on a wall anyway? Derrrrrr. It’s made up okay, so don’t go climbing any walls. And you can tell the other kids at school that in fact Humpty Dumpty was a colloquial term used in 15th century England to describe someone who was fat or obese, but don’t tell your teacher that. Humpty Dumpty was in fact an unusually large canon which was mounted on the protective wall of "St. Mary's Wall Church" in Colchester, England. It was intended to protect the Parliamentarian stronghold of Colchester which was in the temporarily in control of the Royalists during the period of English history, the English Civil War to you and me.. A shot from a Parliamentary canon succeeded in damaging the wall underneath Humpty Dumpty causing the canon to fall to the ground. The Royalists 'all the King's men' attempted to raise Humpty Dumpty on to another part of the wall but even with the help of ' all the King's horses' failed in their task and Colchester fell to the Parliamentarians after a siege lasting eleven weeks

Kid : “Can I go to bed now please”

Me: “But it’s still early

Kid: “I know”