Breaking the job code

How do you get a job? Well most people get a newspaper or look on the Internet. So I suppose I’ll do the same. But that is only the start of it. Getting a job is like going to the dentist. Only the pain a dentist gives you is temporary.

In the past few weeks I have spent most of my life looking at job adverts, trying to decipher the code. Move to one side Mr Brown and your Davinci code. There is more important things out there to crack.


Unlocking the Job Advert code

"Competitive Salary" means:-

They remain competitive by paying less than their rivals


"Requires Team Leadership Skills" means:-

You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect


“Market Rate Salary” means:-

They initially advertised last week with the actual salary but had no responses. This really means based on a job title that really does not pay well

“A rapidly expanding company” means:-

Two people sitting in rented office space above a shop. When Jill goes on holiday there is nobody left to do the photocopying so they need someone urgently

“Busy Office” means:-

When you start nobody will want to help you. In fact you can look for the coffee machine yourself. If you need the toilet on your first day then…….. just don’t, use the public ones at lunchtime. If they let you out of course.

“Ability to work in a pressurised environment” means:-

Forget having a social life with anyone in the office. They all hate each really and back stabbing is rife.


“Any relevant experience would be a distinct advantage” means:-

Well actually forget about it sunshine. We will consider you if nobody else applies and we get desperate

“Fantastic opportunities for progression” means:-

If Bill who has been here for forty years finally retires like he has been saying for the past decade. Alternatively everyone hates their job and they are leaving quicker than we can get new people in

“An outgoing, friendly candidate” means:-

It will be a selling job, mainly outbound cold calling to people who do not want you to phone them at home and who certainly do not want your business. By being outgoing hopefully you will not dwell on the dismal failure of these calls too much


“Do you enjoy a challenge? Means:-

The job is impossible. Everyone else hated it and has left


“Flexibility is required” means:-

Forget about weekends out with your soon to be forgotten friends

“Looking for a strong character”

You will be the source for the blame for the whole company

So once you get past all the hidden code and find a job you think maybe suitable, it’s time to create a coded document yourself. These crafty companies then insist that you put your entire life onto two pieces of paper. And it must have a structure!


Your CV (Resume)

Personal Details

Normally you start with your name, age and where you were born. I suppose this tests your attention to detail they talk about in the adverts. But then again, they don’t know my name so if I did get it wrong they would never know. And even my dad thinks I was born in 1977 and not 1978 so I’ll get away with that.

About Me

This bit is great! Like all potential employers they want to know why you are in a situation to be applying for jobs. If you are currently employed then why do you want to leave? Do you smell? Does nobody like you? Are you no good at your job? Are you looking for more money you greedy bastard? And if you are not in a job then why not? Did you get the boot? Are you lazy? But hey, there is no pressure on this paragraph after all. I mean it’s not like first impressions count when they have five thousand c.v’s in front of them. Time for a few select words here. “Looking for a new direction” and “aiming to enhance my experience” will do.

Experience

Ok I know I was involved in that project so really I ‘project managed’ it. That will sound better. And that training course that I did to get a day off work. Ok I fell asleep half way through but I got the gist. Put it down. I know, if I write “I worked closely with Marketing” they will never know it’s because I fancied Sarah the Marketing assistant.
Skills

Now this is a difficult one. “Good team player” sounds good. Well I play football when they wanted me to play, and I always passed the ball. “Self motivated” – Well I was – I always made sure I did my work so I could leave dead on five. “Good problem solver” – of course, I was always helping out Julia with her boyfriend problems.

Education

Well let’s not talk about my A-Levels. I was out the night before my exams so less said the better. If I put four ‘A-Levels’ and just forget to put the grades, they will never know. Anyhow, General Studies is not going to help me now anyway. They want me to list my degree subjects? How am I going to explain that I did social studies because Kate did it, or I did Computer Science because Jim the guy who let me copy his work did it? I’ll blag that in the interview. At least they won’t know I was utterly amazed to get an Upper Honours – a tragedy for the other hard working people on my course who did some work and got less.

Interests

Great. They want to know what I get up to in my spare time. Do they want to be friends with me or something? I can’t put down reading and going to the gym because everyone else puts that. If I put down ‘going to the pub’ will they think I’m an alcoholic at lunch times? I know, if I put down ‘comedy’ they will think I have got a sense of humour. But do they want someone serious?

I give up. That will do. I’ll just send it off and see what they say. If they don’t want me it’s their loss. Of course not. I think I have got more to lose than them. So you have them advertising hidden meanings in their adverts to please you, you have me bending the truth to please them, why is it all so painful. The best bit is still to come. The interview.