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November 05, 2004

Guy Fawkes Night

Tonight is the night when we British celebrate the failed attempt by Guy Fawkes in 1705 to blow up the Houses of Parliament. Across the land there will be bonfires in back gardens, organised firework displays and a good excuse for families to go out together to watch the sky light up. In reality twelve year old Dave from the flats down the road and his mates Tom and Simon will be setting off fireworks at passing cars and family pets whilst lighting fires in rubbish skips. I suppose everyone celebrates it their own way.

Just why we celebrate events of stupidity that happened three hundred years ago is always questionable. I mean if you are going to blow up something as big as the House of Parliament then there are a few things you should and should not do. Firstly don’t write a letter to one of the people in the Houses of Parliament and tell them to stay away that day from work. Smell a rat and all that business. Secondly if you are caught, don’t get caught with the fuses and gunpowder in your pocket. Not going to look too good in the papers the next day is it? And finally after you get caught don’t say “I wanted to kill the Queen” as this Fawkes character did. The subject of treason was a bit of a sore point in those days, execution was always looking likely. Especially harsh when you consider this meant torture in the Tower of London followed by public hanging.

The problem is that if something happened like that today we would hardly be celebrating it every year. The best it would get would be a five minute airing on ‘America’s Dumbest Criminals 2’ on cable. The fact that it was illegal not to celebrate Guy Fawkes Night prior to 1959 is even more laughable. Even more hilarious is that even today the opening of a new session of Parliament is accompanied by a searching of the basement by the Yeoman of the Guard. Ok this maybe more tradition than actual common sense, but really. And just to prove we are still stuck in a time warp, here are a few other laws which are still valid today from the strange days of old:-


> All English men over 14 are meant to carry out two hours of longbow
practice per week (supervised by the local clergy).

Yes it’s true. Forget playing golf, going down the pub or watching t.v. We should all be playing with our longbows. It’s law. I just need to find out who my clergy fella is and re-string my bow.

>It is illegal for a Member of Parliament to enter the House of Commons
wearing a full suit of armour.

Nearly as stupid as the tradition that the Houses of Parliament should be guarded by old men in tights and a sword. This was exposed hilariously when anti-fox protesters stormed the House of Commons recently and were faced by these sword welding pensioners in stockings. Unsurprisingly they got past with no trouble.


> London Hackney Carriages (taxis/cabs) must carry a bale of hay or a sack
of oats for their horse (if they've got one).


I’ve seen a lot of things in the back of cabs including sick, coins and drunk people, but I have never seen a bale of hay. Okay, maybe I have seen people getting their oats but I’m sure it’s not what they meant.


> In Chester you are allowed to shoot a Welshman with a bow and arrow caught inside the city walls and after midnight.

I’m yet to hear of anyone doing this yet despite the national ‘rivalry’ that exists between England and Wales.

> In Hereford you can shoot a Welsh person all day Sunday, with a Longbow, in
Cathedral Close.

It’s now I start to realise why the Welsh are not particularly fond of the English.


> And not to leave the Scot’s out. In York Upon sight of a Scotsman, it is still legal to shoot him with a bow and arrow, except on Sundays.

Damn, there is my Sunday afternoon gone.

> But finally, and probably most stupidly, it is illegal to be drunk on Licensed Premises (ie: a pub or bar).

I’m going to hand myself in now, must go.

So the next time you hear someone say “Yeah England has got so much tradition” get them to go to Chester, shoot them with a Long Bow, celebrate it by getting incredibly drunk in the pub and dress up in fancy dress armour with your mates and walk into the Houses of Parliament.





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