il y a un singe vers le haut de l'arbre

My chances of acquiring a visa to live in Canada rely on a monkey living up a tree. Some people get rejected due to lack of work skills, insufficient education, a criminal record, insufficient funds or the immigration pen pusher in the office just having a bad day. But for good old me, it’s all about a monkey in a tree.

I like exploring my options. If I can work somewhere, I will try and have ago. I applied to become a New Zealand citizen last year, and got it. Okay, maybe it was more to do with my Dad being from New Zealand, and okay, I didn’t actually work in New Zealand or Australia, but it meant I could.

But Canada is proving to be a tough nut to crack. These people are really fussy when it comes to opening the door, just like my late Auntie Hilda, they just don’t let anyone in. And they pretend to be out in case you do call by.

Now all this could be slightly premature. I mean I’ve never been to Canada, I haven’t even booked my flights yet. But, what’s the worse that can happen? Just like peering through the windows and seeing a plate of homemade biscuits sitting on Auntie Hilda's table, I’m tempted, even if she doesn’t want to open the door.

So, here we go. How did that monkey get up the tree? Well, I’m on sixty seven points in the first phase of my application. The online points calculator asks you lots of questions, point scoring you on the way. Okay, I scored nil points on having family in Canada. Well, I don’t think I have got any family in Canada, I do get drunk quite a lot and suffer from chronic memory loss. Maybe a mini Coops could show their face and give me five extra points.

I continued to lose five points for having no pre-arranged employment, five points for having never studied there and another five points for having never worked there before. I scored a big fat zero overall in the ‘Adaptability’ section then, these guys think I’m going to suffer from culture shock. That’s nonsense, I’ve watched Due South and I’m learning about Degrassi High, what do they know? Some people.

So it looks like Auntie Hilda’s not in. But just as I walk back down the path, I see a light come on in the kitchen. I score top marks for work experience, good scores for education, top marks for my age group and top marks for my knowledge of the English language, althgh sme peple may grass me up on tht won.

The door is opening, I can smell the cakes. I even passed the biggest test, having by the time of arrival, the 9,420 dollars they think I will need to support myself, cause they don’t want to. So my shoes are clean, I don't want to mark her beige carpet. I’m nearly there. Sixty seven points to get in, sixty seven points in my pocket. Then the dreaded the question “Have you done your homework?”.

It seems my application could all depend on me being ambitious, ticking the ‘basic in French’ box and getting two points, or being a little more realistic and ticking the ‘Not really that good at French to be honest despite France being across the water” box and scoring no points (or points de zero maybe I should be saying).

Now “il y a un singe vers le haut de l'arbre “ is one of the only French phrases I can remember from my three years of learning French at school. If I tick the ‘basic’ box, I will rely quite a lot on this expression if I’m tested. Maybe I’ll get away with the ‘Can describe a situation, tell a simple story, describe the process of obtaining essential goods’ part with my monkey knowledge. Quite why I have retained possibly the most useless expression is rather strange. It was probably the thought ‘Why the hell are we learning how to say there is a monkey up a tree’ in my green blazer days that made me remember this expression. I mean it is a pretty useless things to learn, unless of course I was working in Parisian Zoo, telling Monkey lovers to look up.

So that it. After answering more questions than a Spanish Inquisitor on speed, it could be down to whether or not I say I can use basic French. I’ll put down basic. After all, how people can say 'there is a Monkey up the tree' in French. But just like saying I had done my homework to Aunty Hilda, I know I'll get caught out later